Truer Words…

“Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?” –Paul Newman

Belated Post For Belated Gifts

I’ve been dying to post about some of the birthday gifts I received this year, but school (damn you, Chemistry) and work (damn you, ACL festival) have been keeping me more than busy. The Wife did a bang up job as usual and many thanks to my parents for sending some vintage 60s Playboy Magazines (they know their son so well)…but the real treat was a belated package from none other than my friend and depraved creator of Gorillanaut, Bwana Beast!

You know when you get a package from the G’Naut Compound that it’s going to be filled with so much awesomeness your head will spin! First up is the radical drawing of Optimus Prime and Bumblebee by one of Bwana’s sons…I’m assuming it was done by his oldest…notice the attention to detail on these old school 80s Autobots from the planet Cybertron! Way to go Lil’ Bwana…this was my favorite gift in the package your old man sent me!

Next up, 1988s amazing first issue of Gordon Shumway…er, I mean, ALF! If you thought the show was genius, just wait until you see what writer, Michael Gallagher and artist Dave Manak do with these iconic characters! I’ll have you comic nerds know, this is in mint condition and arrived boarded and bagged! I’ll also have you comic nerds know, I plan on folding it in half, shoving it in my back pocket, and taking it with me to the ACL festival…forever devaluing it below cover price! Ha!

If there’s one thing I love more than ALF, it’ gotta’ be ladies wrestling! And nothing says sexy wrasslin’ better than Jackie Stallone‘s television masterpiece, Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! Y’all remember GLOW, right? I guess it’s really no surprise Bwana threw in an issue of the short lived magazine for GLOW…we are, of course, a couple of men that appreciate the finer things in life, like literature, ladies, and lycra. It’s difficult to really explain in words why GLOW is so awesome…so peep this:

See the rest of the match HERE…Dallas gets a blowtorch to her face…seriously! Wow.

Bwana sent one more awesome piece of reading material…SLUGS by Shaun Hutson!

“They slime, the ooze, they kill…One female slug can lay one and half million eggs a year- a fact which holds terrifying consequences for the people of Merton. As the town basks in the summer heat, a new breed of slug is growing and multiplying. In the waist-high grass, in the dank, dark cellars they are acquiring new tastes, new cravings. For blood. For flesh. Human flesh…”

I just started it the other day and even though I’m only one chapter in, I’ve decided it fucking rules! Normally, this is a book I could finish in a day or so, but as I stated earlier, stupid school is taking up so much of my time…

Peep the synopsis HERE!

And finally we have a a total of seven dvds form the G’Naut vaults…the import section no less!

Bwana says,”I sent movies from my import shelf so it wouldn’t be stuff you could get through netflix, except for The Magic Sword, which is just cool. Devadam is a Turkish superhero flick with El Santo and Captain America fighting a evil Spider-Man.”

So other than, The Magic Sword and Devadam, I’m also the proud owner of:

–Deathship
–Rituals
–Deathstalker
–Morgus: Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man
–[rec]

Wow! Pretty awesome, huh?

So, thanks again to everyone for another awesome birthday…and an extra big thanks to Bwana, for the most amazing grab bag of awesomeness! Now if only I had the time to enjoy all my new cool stuff!

A Song For The Ladies By Jon Lajoie

If that wasn’t enough for you, there’s a part 2….Show Me Your Genitals 2: E=MC Vagina”

Kenley Wonders…

Uh, maybe because you’re a jerk? Just a thought.

Oh, and guess what, Toothy McMolarmouth…you get the 1 SC rating!

Girl, you straight up GNAR GNARS!

Love, Mr. Canacorn

Snapshot Of Awesomeness

Big Jim, y’all!

Hey Kenley, Get Over Yourself!

The following quote is from an interview with Kenley on Gothamist.

The question was,

“What are some trends you particularly like and don’t like?”

Her answer,

“I don’t like when you see major trends on people over and over again to the point of just played out. For example, the thin head bands that cut across your forehead over your hair. At first, it was “a look” now its just a bad trend. I do like when someone has a look that is there own. No matter what it is.”

Ugh. Like your 50s retro shtick? Talk about a played out bad trend…But more than Kenley’s wannabe Bettie Page meets June Cleaver personal style, it’s her shitty attitude that bugs me the most.

With my very limited experience with “reality teevee”, I’m aware that there is an approximation of reality being beamed into your home thanks to the magic of editing, but after Kenley’s performance last night, I’m fully convinced that she’s a delusional jerk.

For a more detailed review of Kenley and her craptacular personality click on over to The Wife’s blog and to the fabulously bitchy, Project Rungay…I’m sure they’ll be much more eloquent than I in this matter.

Today Is Brought To You By The Letter A.

A is for…

ASIA
I’m totally crushing on her and here’s why:

1. She’s hot.

2. I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure she’s crazy.

3. She’s a Virgo…just like me.

4. She’s not afraid to show some skin…and I can certainly get behind that level of dedication to her craft!

Peep this quote from her commentary on Scarlet Diva:

“I grew this enormous bush, ’cause I thought it would sell the movie in Japan. ‘Cause the Japanese really like hair. Hairy…uh…female genitals. So I…uh, actually saw the movie in Japan…I don’t know if it was because of the bush or they just liked the manga-like story…I think it’s for the bush.”

Homegirl knows what the people want and she’s not afraid to give it to ’em!

Here’s a screen shot of Asia in Scarlet Diva. You can’t see it here kids, but believe me, it is awesomely enormous! If you’re curious about the bush all you have to do is rent the movie (or just Goggle: Asia Argento bush…it works…I’m pretty sure Asia hates wearing clothes) and you’ll see what all of Japan went bananas for!

A also stands for something else! It stands for the alias of one of the best bloggers out there. He actually reminded me of Asia’s birthday with his post on Saturday. I’m totally crushing on him today as well. His name is….

ARBOGAST
While I’m not sure about the enormity of his bush, I do know that ARBOGAST ON FILM is essential reading for movie and pop culture enthusiasts of all ages! And here’s why:

1. I’ve never seen him so I don’t know if he’s hot, but he is mysterious…and that counts for something.

2. Again, I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure he’s a genius.

3. I’m not sure what his astrological sign is…like I said, he’s a mystery. I guess that’s not really a reason but I was going for consistency here, people.

4. He’s not afraid to give the people what they want either…but he never panders to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploits his reader’s weaknesses. Seriously, you need to make a daily pilgrimage to his blog…There’s The One You Might Have Saved Blog-a-Thon, The Kill Face Chronicles, and more reviews and musings of a madman than you can shake a severed limb at!

If you don’t believe me it will be your loss, turkeys! Hell, even Stacie Ponder over at Final Girl says, “Arbogast rules,” and you can’t argue with that.

So, that’s not all the letter A stands for today…it also stands for:

THE AWESOMEST!

‘Cause both Asia and Arbogast totally get the full on 5 Spaghetti Cat rating!

You two kooky kids rock my world! And that’s the truth!

Let’s Go To Church.

IMAGE OF THE BEAST

“In this film the mark of the beast is depicted as a UPC bar code tied in with a world computer network…”

Thanks, Naked Jungle!

Blue Jeans And Better Scenes

My wackadoodle Auntie and Unkle have done it again over at Kindertrauma. I know, I know, I’ve practically become a fucking commercial for their website, but it’s just that damn awesome!

I recently submitted a “NAME THAT TRAUMA” to the Kindertrauma Castle hoping to help out a coworker of mine….and uh, the sheer brilliance that came pouring out of my Auntie’s mind is nothing short of breathtaking. Seriously. Go and click the pretty pink words in this paragraph.

Now.

Okay…you see what I’m talking about? Never mind that one of the awesome Kindertrauma readers figured out what movie my coworker was looking for…the whole B.J. AND THE BEAR riffing made my weekend.

And it got me thinking about B.J. AND THE BEAR…remember the intro? man, the song is fucking killer!

BJ AND THE BEAR

I really thought the lyrics were “Blue jeans and better scenes“, but turns out they’re “New dreams and better scenes“…no offense to the super talented, Glen A. Larson, but don’t my lyrics sound way more awesome? The answer is yes. Anyway…

You can’t talk about B.J. (Billie Joe) McKay and his buddy, Bear, without mentioning Sheriff Lobo! Remember his show? Sure you do! It was called THE MISADVENTURES OF SHERIFF LOBO! Remember? No? Here’s the opening:

MISADVENTURES OF SHERIFF LOBO

How ’bout that gratuitous ass shot in the opening?! TeeVee ruled when I was a kid!

Speaking of TeeVee shows I loved as a kid, but no one seems to remember…anyone else out there remember the DUKES OF HAZZARD spinoff, ENOS? You see, Enos (the bumbling Deputy Sheriff) joins a Special Branch of the Los Angeles Police and partners up with a cool Black cop named Turk (Samuel E. Wright, the voice of Sebastian in Disney’s The Little Mermaid). Every episode was book ended by Enos writing a letter to Daisy Duke (his one true love) back in Hazzard County, telling her about all his awesome adventures in wild and crazy LA!

I’ve been all over the damn internet trying to find the intro. I can’t remember how the theme went, but I do remember the end of the opening…Enos and Turk take down some bad guys and Turk puts out his hand for a “gimme five” and Enos, God bless him, slaps a “thumbs up” right in the palm of Turk’s hand!

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!!

Thanks to Sonny Shroyer’s official website, I have found the intro!

Peep that shit right HERE! Click that link and scroll down…you’ll see a link for the Enos series, click it and be amazed by the intro to Enos!

And I’ll do you one better! Click HERE to see the closing credits which run over the fabled White thumbs up in the Black gimme five salute…which is possibly the most inspiring image ever put on television!

Wow. Thanks internet for truly having everything I really need!

They’re Shrimp-ly Delicious!

I found this advert inadvertently…(see how I did that?)

You see, I was over at Dinner With Max Jenke reading the latest post about the film The Mysterious Monsters. I clicked on the first video. Oh cool, a totally awesome trailer for the 1976 docudrama!

The ominous voice over started telling me all about Bigfoot, The Abominable Snowman, The Loch Ness Monster and all the trouble these strange and mysterious beasts were into. Then this happened at the end of the clip:

What the fuck?!

I can’t tell if I find it totally disgusting or totally delicious…I know it’s just an egg roll…but for some reason it just seems so bizarre to me. Maybe it’s because the guy never says egg roll? Maybe it’s because I was already all freaked out by Bigfoot attacking poor Rita Graham? Maybe it’s the packaging?

Who knows?