twice the thrills! twice the chills!

Hey Boners!

Guess what? You’re ol’ pal, Canacorn, has stumbled back into the blog-o-sphere (are the kids still calling it that these days?) for a quickie post about horror movies.

You see, my buddy, cole (no capital letters…this dude just won’t use them for some reason), over at vitagraph, american is doing this little thing called, twice the thrills! twice the chills!

I’ll let cole explain what it’s all about: “the concept is pretty basic – you have one theater for one halloween night. what double feature do you program and why? two films and your motivations for selecting them, otherwise no limits. i leave it to your unfettered imaginations.”

Sounds easy enough, right? Right! So let’s get to it!

Initially, I thought a David Cronenberg body horror double feature would be pretty sweet….

Then I figured The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and it’s super awesome sequel would be a great Halloween dream team…

And then I almost decided on the wonderfully twisted and hilarious horror/comedy rope-a-dope combo of Henenlotter‘s Frankenhooker and Stephen Sayadian‘s Dr. Caligari to really showcase my love for The Cinema…

And then I thought….

You see where this is going? It took me forever to stop permuting every fucking horror movie I’ve ever seen into some sort of more awesomer double shot of awesomeness! Or whatever.

Well, after hours and hours of brain melting introspection, I finally unfettered more than my imagination and came up with my Halloween night two-fer!

First up: À l’intérieur (American title: Inside) (2007)

Okay, I first heard about this one from the Gorillanaut blog back in July of 2008.

While checking out the screenshots, my first thought was, “Who’s the cutie with the gap in her teeth?” and then my second thought was, “Christ on a bike! This movie hates faces!!!”

The cutie with the diastema is the bat-shit insane, Béatrice Dalle, and this movie doesn’t just hate faces, it hates everything!

I had to watch this one alone since The Wife was pregnant at the time and wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo‘s unrelenting story of one woman’s desire to have a baby. There’s a bit more to the plot, but if you haven’t seen this brutal and disturbing French horror film, I don’t want to spoil anything. I’m not usually the squeamish type, but I moaned and squirmed during the entire run time of this fucker. I could only imagine what it would be like to see this one on the big screen in a crowded theater…

It would be a great start to my double feature….and it seriously hates faces…seriously.

How do you keep the meat in the seats after 83 minutes of “strong bloody violence, gruesome and disturbing content, and language“? I got one word for you, RE-FUCKING-ANIMATOR!

Re-Animator (1985)

This 80s classic has it all…and by all, I mean, a great directior, excellent casting, a tight script, superb special effects, and a severed head going downtown on a naked Barbara Crampton!

I remember seeing this on cable as a young man, and it blew my mind. This is another film that just screams to be seen late at night with a group of like minded horror fans on the silver screen! And since it has its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, I believe it’s a nice mental break after À l’intérieur.

And I think it has one of the best title sequences and theme songs ever!

So that’s it….I’m done. Happy Halloween! I’m anxious to hear all about the other double feature picks over at vitagraph, american!

Canacorn out!

Snapshot Of Awesomeness

Via KINDERTRAUMA!

Two For Tuesdays

Today’s band is ADULT.

I like these kooks…

And I especially like the super sexy and dangerously hot photography of band member, NICOLA KUPERUS.

I hear they made some sort of “experimental horror film” called DECAMPMENT that could only be “experienced in person with ADULT. performing the soundtrack live to the film“…which sounds pretty cool if you’re into that kind of stuff. Watch the trailer HERE.

There’s also a 7″ vinyl only release called, THE DECAMPMENT TRILOGY, which is all super limited and shit…curious if there are any left? Then click HERE.

Okay, enough talk…let’s listen to some music…

Inside

I Feel Worse When I’m with You

That’s it for today, boners, C U Next Tuesday!

A Horrifying Sensation…

Must watch….must own….

Thanks to Radioactive Lingerie for the heads up!

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Periodontics Edition

Hey boners! What’s shakin’?

Yeah, yeah, I hear that….”Another day another dollar…Time to make the donuts….Blah, blah, fucking blah…”

Well hold on there pardners…it’s Friday…and aside from being alright for fighting…it means…oh wait, that’s Saturday…damn…

Uh, anyway…what I’m getting at is, it’s time to break you out of your humdrums and talk about some fetish of some sort! And if you couldn’t tell by the scrumptious picture of Lauren Hutton on the left side of your monitor, today’s topic is teeth!

But not just any type of teeth…oh no, my friends…only the ones with a gap right smack dab in the middle of those big ol’ central incisors is good enough for this Friday!

We’re strictly talking lucky teeth, or as the French like to say, “dents du bonheur“!

I know the topic of diastema is a bit tame compared to some of my past FF entries…but it is one that puts a smile on my face (and by smile, I mean erection..and by face, I mean penis…so what I think I’m trying to say is, “The enlarged and firm state of my penis…is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, that is usually, though not exclusively, associated with gap toothed women.”

Oh crap…now you’re picturing me and my amazing, incredible, expandable, blood filled erectile tissues….This is getting awkward…Uh…let’s move on…

So anyway, I was reading a review for ONCE BITTEN over at THE HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE the other day (seriously, it’s the best review I’ve ever read for ONCE BITTEN…check it out) and even though Yum-Yum made no mention of it, all I kept thinking about was Ms. Hutton’s delectable diastema!

And it got me thinking about some other gap toothed ladies…Brigitte Bardot, Jorja Fox, Anna Paquin, Béatrice Dalle…man, there’s a whole bunch of ’em out there…

And get this…some of ’em even do the pornographies!

It’s true!

Which is kind of fitting…you know, because of the whole Canterbury Tales “gap-toothed wife of Bath, middle-aged woman with insatiable lust” rumor that the “firste fyndere of our fair langage” and loveable scamp, Geoffrey Chaucer, started waaay back in the 14th century!

There’s Belladonna, Naudia Nyce, Pepper Foxx, Chase Taylor, and hundreds of other starlets in waiting flashing their gapes and their gaps all over the internets!

So wouldn’t it be a great idea to have some sort of specialty fetish website for the appreciation of gap toothed women?

Of course it’s a great idea! So what the fuck, internets?! Where’s my diastema fetish site?!

No matter where I turn, I can find a fetish specific website for just about every sub-genre of porn…everything except this one.

You want clips and pictures of mature, BBW, amateur, hirsute honeys giving blowjobs to tattooed European gentlemen with big cocks that end in Roman Showers?

You got it! The internet provides!

But a guy wants some hot enamel action and he gets nothin’.

I guess there’s just not much of a demand for teeth porn….which is kind of sad really…I mean, look at this picture…

What kind of world do we live in that I can’t see this young thing try and fit those two big, bulbous heads on that soft, sensuous, smooth and sturdy 18 inch veined dildo between the contacts of her perfectly spaced maxillary central incisors?

A disappointing world…that’s what kind.

Seriously, internets, I’m gonna’ have to stop this whole Fetish Fridays dance if you can’t deliver the goods…I know we only do this FF thing (almost) once a week, but my feelings of dissatisfaction that follow your constant failures is really starting to take its toll.

So think about it…we’ll talk next Friday.

Canacorn, out!

You Can’t Feed A Baby LPs Part 2

Okay, boners, I don’t have much time so I’m gonna’ make this quick…

Here’s a batch of soundtracks I’ve picked up over the past month:

I know, I know, you’re pretty sure I have absolutely no filter when it comes to my record purchases…and I have to admit, that might be true…especially when it comes to soundtracks…

So, what do we have here? VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, HISTORY OF THE WORLD PART I, 1941, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978), ERASERHEAD, BRIGHT LIGHTS BIG CITY, 9 TO 5, MEATBALLS, BAD GUYS, and ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN!

I’m not going to put up a video for each of them , but I will say the BRIGHT LIGHTS BIG CITY soundtrack has some killer 80s jams on it…like this one:

What? You thought I was give a fuck about my cred and play Love Attack by Konk?

Things I Decided Today

With all the big budget films and movie parodies being cranked out by the adult industry, you’d think someone would pull their head out of their ass (or someone’s ass) and finally make this fucking masterpiece already?!

I know BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA already exists as a porno…but there’s no evil magician, mysterious underworld, or kung-fu masters in it!

Just an “..interracial cast of petite cuties love having their tight and tasty little vaginas stretched to the limit by men with big dicks. The only trouble is finding them big enough to satisfy the insatiable appetites of these nymphomaniacs!”

In addition to all the straight sex, there could be something for everyone…

Imagine a The Three Storms three-way for the gay and bi-curious audience?

You could even have a Gerontophilia (look it up) scene between David Lo Pan and Gracie Law for the more adventurous!

How about a record setting gang bang alleyway scene with the Wing Kong and a lucky green-eyed Chinese lady?

And don’t even get me started on what could be done with this little feller:

The possibilities are fucking endless…Seriously, someone make this….sheesh.

*Oh, I’m not sure who made the BTILV poster…but someone did, so, thanks whoever you are!

Okay-ish Movie, But No Topless Clare.

Hey kids!

Seen any good movies lately?

I have!

Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.

No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!

I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,

“I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…”

And I was all,

“Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”

And then he was all,

“Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”

‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!

Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:

Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.

And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.

Nary a nipple

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?

So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.

The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.

Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.

Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!

Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.

Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.

You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!

Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident” (sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.

A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.

You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.

Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….

Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:

I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!

See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.

Nice duck.

Ken Kwapis Is Just Not That Into Hot Chicks

Okay, look…

I’m not one of those guys that tolerates Romantic Comedies just to keep his wife off his back…or the guy that has to suffer through another Chick Flick so he can finally get “his turn” picking the dvd on movie night.

I sincerely like rom coms.

There, I said it….and I’m not even embarrassed or anything.

That being said, what the fuck was up with HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?

The movie itself was okay-ish…a little long at 2 hours and 9 minutes…not great, but certainly not as fucking horrible as FAILURE TO LAUNCH (seriously, FTL is so bad it has become the Measuring Stick Of Total Fail for all romantic comedies viewed in Casa Canacorn).

My real problem is with Ken Kwapis.

Sure, he’s a competent director…and he obviously knows funny…but I’m convinced he’s just not that into hot chicks.

I know you’re all, “Wait a gosh durn minute, Canacorn! That movie is chock a block full of hot tail! Look at the cast: Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Drew even though she’s a bit crooked faced Barrymore! Are you blind?”

No, I’m not blind…but about halfway through the movie I was convinced that the costume designer and the entire hair and makeup department must have been.

And then it hit me…it’s not their fault…it’s the director’s. He must ultimately shoulder the blame of being a total boner killer in what should have been a full on boner party in my pants area.

Look, it’s not like I expected a fucking flesh parade or anything, but the fashion prudery that was on display in this movie was a serious insult to my flaccid genitalia.

Would it kill somebody if these gals exposed a wrist or shoulder, for Christ’s sake?

The words dowdy, boring, drab and bland kept coming to mind.

And when we get some pops of color it’s all sky blue and orange with a splash of gray….WTF? Not only is the impact of this color combination tragic and uninspired…but I’m pretty sure that’s a fleece jacket from the 1980s.

Poor Ginnifer Goodwin got it the worst…I was convinced she must have been afflicted with some sort of erythematous maculopapular rash since she spent 95% of the film completely covered…they should have thrown a burqa on that bitch and called it a fucking day.

Another gripe I have with Mr. Kwapis and his obvious disdain for the female form was his excessive use of shooting the girls from the waist up. Did they even have legs? Were they wearing form fitting skirts? Tulip? Bubble? A-Line? Pencil? Who fucking knows?

And I’m no foot fetishist, but where were the goddamn shoes? Didn’t SEX AND THE CITY teach us anything about the importance of female footwear in cinema?

The only exception was Busy Phillips…she may have only had 10 minutes of screen time, but she made the best of it by flashing her beautiful wrists and stunning cleavage in a smart and simple little black dress.

You just can’t go wrong with that….am I right or am I right, Dr. Cosmo?

What Cha’ Watchin’?

NIGHT OF THE COMET