Zen And The Art Of Police Work

I know I’ve been away from the internet for a while, so bringing up Steven Seagal Lawman on the first day of 2010 is probably old news…

But I’m gonna’ do it anyway.

I finally caught a few episodes and just had to say something about how fucking awesome this show is. I know some of y’all would argue my definition of awesome, but bear with me….

Every episode pretty much follows the same format:

Seagal hangs out with his “hand-selected elite team” of likable, portly deputies for a while then they get in their police cruisers and drive around listening to the police scanner for “crimes in progress.”

Luckily, there seems to be quite a bit of downtime, so Seagal can talk about Zen, dojos, and all sorts of Oriental stuff while his partner tries to concentrate on driving.

They make their way through Jefferson Parish until they hit some sort of quota of people yelling, “It’s Steven Seagal,” and then their scanner goes off!

The boys in blue race to the scene while Seagal stares out of the passenger side using his weird Zen powers to scan the area for crime…and we know he’s doing this ’cause of the Terminator-vision and the cool whoosing sound effects the show uses!

Once they roll up on the suspicious persons it never fails that one of the perps takes off running…this is not good for our rotund, middle aged peace officers.

The chase that ensues is always the same: Skinny crook runs like the wind and hops about five fences while Steven and his chunky cops lag behind grousing about their knees between labored breaths. The boys eventually get back in their cars and track down the suspects whereabouts thanks to Steven‘s Chinese magic!

Once the crook is cuffed the first thing out of his mouth is, “It’s Steven Seagal! I’m being arrested by Steven Seagal!” Then everyone laughs like the end of an A-Team episode….but it doesn’t stop there…after the police work is done we’re treated to Steven helping out a fellow cop pass a shooting range test through the use of Ancient Chinese Secrets, or perform wacky Chinese acupuncture on one of his buddies, or sing songs to orphans, or talk to dogs…you know, all the usual stuff Steven does on his off time from busting the bad guys and taking down double quarter pounders with cheese.

I know it seems like I’m bagging on Steven and his show, but I really do like it.

Sure he’s put on a few pounds, but he comes off as a pretty cool dude and he’s still a bad ass. There may not be much danger and arm breaking, but he can still shoot the head off a match and laugh when someone tells him “Sacky Chan” might not be able to beat him in a fight but Chuck Norris would whoop his ass.

So if you’re bored, check your local listings and treat yourself to a little Seagal this year…you’ll thank me later.

Namaste and Canacorn out!

Cheer Up Charlie

Hey look at me…two blog posts in a row!

I hate to admit it but, I still don’t have any idea what to write about now that I’m back from my hiatus….

I’ve been staring at my computer for days (totally ignoring my wife and son) just grasping at straws for a topic.

I know the porn related posts generate anywhere between 400 to 600 hits a day (Thanks, futanaria, squirting, black cock, pussy pump, and human cow), but I just can’t turn Awesomeness into anymore of a toilet than it already is…or can I?

Then it hit me…

What’s almost as popular as pornography on the internets?

Celebrity scandals!

Sooooooooo….Let’s talk Charlie Sheen!!!!

Naw, I’m just kidding…what I really want to talk about is my most favorite teevee show of all time:

Beverly Hills 90210!

Best episode of Family Feud evarrrrr!

That’s right boners, it’s Season 8 time here at Casa Canacorn!

The gang’s back and…well, not the whole gang…but some old faces are and we get a couple of new characters, like Noah and Carly!

You don’t remember Noah or Carly? How about creepy Dr. Monahan or that red headed bitch Emma?

Anyone?

Wait, don’t tell me every last one of y’all stopped watching when Brenda moved to London to attend school at the Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts?!

Oh man, have we got some catching up to do….I can’t possibly get y’all up to speed in just one post.

So I’ll just whet your appetite with this screenshot from the opening credits:

That’s right, Karate Kid and velociraptor, Hilary Swank has joined the cast!

Stayed tuned!

….and don’t worry, there will be more porn…I promise.

This Just In!

mcskWe have it on good authority that an animated “Kat” is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol‘s 9th season! The “story” broke on Twitter (a free social networking and micro-blogging service for 12 year old girls and lonely middle age men) Tuesday night!

Paulatweeted” some incoherent nonsense filled with numbers and symbols that we couldn’t make heads or tails of….luckily, 7th grader and regular Fetish Fridays reader, Cynthia Wheeler (age 12), was able to decipher the drunken text-based post by the former Mrs. Estevez.

mcsk2It says she’s sad and stuff about leaving the show or whatever and, uh, that some really old cartoon cat from the 80s is gonna’ be the new judge,” explained Cynthia via her cellular telephone early this morning.

We here at Awesomeness couldn’t be more thrilled about the exciting new opportunities that could be opening up for both Paula and American Idol!

I don’t know about y’all but, we’ve got our fingers crossed for a “almost 50 and still sexyPaula Playboy pictorial and a celebrity sex tape scandal involving MC Skat Kat and Kara DioGuardi

But until then, let’s watch this “awesome” video from American Idol’s new judge:

You Can’t Feed A Baby LPs Part 1

Quinn 071409 024 Yeah, yeah, yeah…just because I got me one of them there baby Canacorns doesn’t mean I’m gonna’ stop buying records.

Cut a dad some slack…besides, most of ’em were used AND I hear that, “all babies have an instinctive sense of rhythm and a love of music,” so I’m actually doing the kid a favor…or whatever.

That okay with you, Judgy McJudgerton?

Okay.

Now that that’s out of the way…let’s see some of the LPs I’ve picked up this month…it’s been a while since we’ve taken a look at my record purchases, so instead of jamming up this post with a shit-ton of pics and videos I’ve decided to spread them out over a few posts….

recordsjuly 003 Let’s see…where to start?

I guess we’ll go with the ladies…starting left to right on the top row and then left to right on the bottom row…

Well, hello there, Irene Cara!

Sure, we all loved her as Coco Hernandez in Fame and everyone’s favorite karaoke song to sing is the Moroder/Cara classic, “Flashdance…What A Feeling“…but the secret hit off of this record is the awesome “Breakdance“!

Don’t believe me about the awesomeness that is “Breakdance“?

Peep this shit:

Next up are twin knockouts, Cherie and Marie Currie! These two foxes (see what I did there? Cherie was in the Adrian Lyne film…oh, forget it…) only did this one record together…and despite lukewarm (at best) reviews, I still dig it.

Especially the cover of Russ Ballard‘s “Since You’ve Been Gone“:

Moving on…to the beautiful (and busty) Lynda Carter*! Here she is singing “Toto” on Wonder Woman from her 1978 album, Portrait:

*This link is for the Awesomeness reader whose idea of a “Rock N Roll Fantasy” involve an elaborately costumed Ms. Carter doing a medley of Tina Turner, KISS, and Bette Midler songs accompanied by the Ikettes, fruity KISS impersonators and dancing gorillas…which should be all of you.

So this next one is a little misleading…yes there are some super sultry 80s babes in buckskin/mesh Indian inspired dancewear on the cover…but this is all Bohannon all the time.

I’ve talked about the ass shaking power that is Bohannon before…and the BOHANNON FEVER LP is more of the same…so let’s get on this “Party Trainmothersuckers and get funky in our pants areas:

And the last record for today is STARGARD‘s What You Waitin’ For! Look at that cover…the sheer audaciousness of their Danilo Donatiesque FLASH GORDON inspired outfits was worth the 99 cents I paid for this sucker alone.

stargard

It doesn’t hurt that their funky brand of R&B is pretty fucking awesome as well…but you’re just going to have to take my word for it since YouTube let me down in the video department.

So, that’s the tip of the LP iceberg today, kids. Tune in next time for a whole bunch of soundtracks…

What Cha’ Watchin’?

vlcsnap-1788461

Anybody else remember when she didn’t have a shit-ton of creepy kids and was showing her tits to Elias Koteas in CYBORG 2?

Things I Decided Today

Okay, since we’ll never get another episode of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT…I suggest that Mitchell Hurwitz should hit us up with a spin-off.

Anyone remember the Bill Bixby show from the early 70s called THE MAGICIAN?

Magic, bitches!

Magic, bitches!

It was about a playboy magician that solved crimes…with magic! Pretty rad, right?

A trick is something a whore does for money...

A trick is something a whore does for money...

Well, why not tweak that idea and make it a comedy with Will Arnett reprising his role as GOB as the crime busting illusionist?!

Imagine the hilarity…all the old gang could make cameos…The whole Bluth clan and especially The Hot Cops, Mr. Bananagrabber, and the lovable African-American puppet, Franklin!

I know, I know….I’m practically a fucking genius here….still not sold?

Okay, watch this old intro to THE MAGICIAN but imagine GOB as the titular character instead of Bill Bixby

See what I’m sayin’? I’ll call Hollywood.

WTF Is Up At Awesomeness?

wtf Hey boners!

I know, I know, where the fuck have I been and what’s up with stuff, right?

Well, the short of it is, The Wife and I just had a baby Canacorn about a month ago and I’ve been knida’ busy doing all sorts of new dad type stuff.

Which means not much time for dicking around on the internets or watching many movies…and certainly not much time for blogging.

I have been visiting my old haunts (see the links in yon sidebar)…but more as a lurker than a commenter…so don’t be offended if you haven’t heard from lil’ ol’ me as of late.

Click this pic to read about the worms that came out of this man's ass.

Click this pic to read about the worms that came out of this man's ass.

Anyhoo, I did want to check in with youse guys to tell you about a new show I caught on The Travel Channel the other night.

It’s called Bite ME With Dr. Mike!

Who’s Dr. Mike? Well, that’s the good doctor in the picture…the guy holding the handful of Giant Intestinal Roundworms that he just shit out of his ass….seriously…I saw him do it on the teevee.

So, this bat shit insane crazy man that claims to be a Dr. goes to Third World Countries and eats dirty food, drinks filthy water, and lets all sorts of bugs and animals chew on his flesh…all in the name of SCIENCE…or whatever.

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

It’s truly fascinating….and Dr. Mike is so goddamn enthusiastic about getting leeches attached to his back and ass, drinking the “brown soup of excrement and industrial effluents” that is the Ganges River, and getting caught in the middle of a monkey gang fight, that the show has become a Casa Canacorn favorite after only one episode!

That’s right, you heard me…monkey gangs had a rumble and Dr. Mike was in a “drive by” biting.

You can’t make this shit up…

Oh, peep the teaser to the episode I saw:

Anyway, I just wanted to let you kids know that I’m alive and to hip y’all to crazy Dr. Mike and his amazing ass worms….

Canacorn out!*

*yeah, still trying to make that work….