THE ROOM Week: The Entering

Okay, here we are at day 3 of THE ROOM Week!

I know some of y’all haven’t seen Tommy Wiseau‘s THE ROOM yet…
so you might want to turn back now if you don’t want anything ruined for you.

I truly believe that the best way to watch THE ROOM is to go in totally blind….avoid the blogs, interviews, and the Wiki if you can.

That being said, I bet you’re wondering why I’m dedicating an entire week to it. Well, much like THE ROOM, I am full of contradictions…and no matter what you read or hear about THE ROOM, your brain will never be ready for this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma of a film. Not even the trailer or the official website will prepare you to enter THE ROOM.

Just so you know what’s going on, here’s the synopsis from the website:

“The Room” is an American black comedy about love, passion, betrayal and lies. Johnny is a successful banker with great respect for and dedication to the people in his life, especially his future wife Lisa. Johnny can also be a little too trusting at times which haunts him later on. Lisa is a beautiful blonde fiancé of Johnny. She has always gotten her way and will manipulate to get what she wants. She is a taker, with a double personality, and her deadly schemes lead to her own downfall. Mark is a young, successful and independent best friend of Johnny. He has a good heart, but gets caught up in Lisa’s dangerous web and gives into temptation. This eventually brings him to great loss. Denny is an orphan boy, naive and confused about life, love, and friendship. Denny is very ambitious and also very grateful to the people that are in his life. “The Room” depicts the depths of friendship and relationships in one’s life and raises life’s real and most asked question: “Can you ever really trust anyone?”

So, “Are you ready to see reflection of your life?”

Okay then, let’s “ENTER ‘The Room’ and leave forever changed!”

I hope to see this logo in front of movies for a loooong time!

When Bwana sent over a copy of THE ROOM to Casa Canacorn not too long ago, The Wife and I had no idea what to expect. We had watched the trailer online and thought the movie looked like an okay-ish early 90s independent film like THE BROTHERS McMULLEN…or whatever.

But why in the world would Bwana recommend a “quirky black comedy with the passion of Tennessee Williams“? We were about to find out…

The pillow fight theme also appeared in many of Tennessee's plays.

6 minutes in…We’ve seen some of the most awkward acting, bizarre dialog, a three way pillow fight between a grown man, his fiancee, and a (possibly) retarded 18 year old boy, and one of the most uncomfortable love making scenes ever filmed.

Johnny, the familiar poet realist type of Tennessee character.

17 minutes in…The cinematic world as we know it had been shattered into a million pieces and rebuilt into a shockingly repellent yet intriguing piece of celluloid…obviously crafted by the great, the obscure, the unutterable Nyarlathotep!

One man has one great good true thing in his life.

After the scene between Lisa and her shrewish mother, The Wife loudly exclaimed that her brain “literally hurt“…I looked over and saw some blood pooled at the corner of her left eye…her brow was covered in sweat and she had chewed most of the skin off of her lower lip. Things were not going well…

Then there was the second love scene…exactly 11 minutes after the first…and it was more heart-rending than the previous one…even though it lacked Johnny’s weird muscular ass….I swear to god, he had some ripped glutes!

Didn't you notice the powerful and obnoxious odor of mendacity in this room?

20 minutes in…This happened:

By now, I was convinced that I was watching THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE! The Wife was slowly losing her grip on reality…she had completely bitten off the fingernails on every finger of her left hand and was starting on the right when the Scotchka scene happened. It was followed by the third love making scene…which was made up of outtakes from the first love making scene, signaling the return of Johnny’s weird muscular ass…The wife’s hand dropped away from her mouth and just like Jesus at Lazarus’ tomb, she wept.

I always thought drinkin' men lost their looks, but I was plainly mistaken.

60 minutes in…We’ve now been introduced to a second wave of characters. There’s the Chocolate is the symbol of love couple, Michelle and Mike.

Sometimes I wish I had a pill to make people disappear.

The money obsessed, psychopathic drug dealer, Chris R.

But, there's one thing you can't buy at any European fire sale...That's your life.

And Peter, the friendly (but clumsy) psychologist.

What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?

I’ve become dizzy and a bit disorientated by this point…and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with The Wife’s constant moaning and and mumbling of, “Hot water burn baby Hot water burn baby Hot water burn baby,” for the past 15 minutes. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder…the cheeping starts…for some reason Johnny, Mark, and Denny have decided to start communicating like baby chickens to force Peter into playing a brutal game of tuxedo football. The Wife throws up.

Life ain't no damn football game. Life ain't just a buncha high spots.

1 hour and 10 minutes in…Our “reality” and the film’s “reality” have fully fused together…I feel Johnny’s pain…Mark’s guilt…Denny’s confusion…I am Lisa’s machinations…I was THE ROOM and THE ROOM was me. My eyes were wide open and I could see everything so clearly. I wanted it all. I wanted to live, live, live! The Wife was asleep…or maybe dead…did it matter? Lisa was seducing Mark…again.

Careful Maggie, your claws are showing.

1 hour 16 minutes in…SURPRISE!

Running from lies like birthday congratulations and many happy returns when there won't be any!

It’s Johnny’s birthday…all his friends and Lisa are here! Oh, hi Mark! Oh, hi Denny! Look, balloons and a cake! This is such a beautiful party…what could possibly go wrong? Oh look, Lisa is practically fucking Mark on the couch.

You don't know what love means! To you, it's just another four-letter word.

The wife stirred from her fetal position on the floor…”Party? Is it for the baby,” she whispered. “Lisa said she was carrying Johnny’s baby.” She collapsed before I could tell her…there was no baby. Lisa lied…again. Amazingly, Johnny’s party wasn’t totally ruined yet…but being there felt like sitting on top of an atom bomb that was about to go off.

Did you ever in all your born days hear such a bold-faced lie?

1 hour and 24 minutes in…Johnny and Mark get into a fight…The Wife crawled closer to the teevee leaving a trail of vomit and blood across our living room floor…presumably to get a closer look…her eyes appeared to be swollen shut.

You won't live with mendacity? Well, you're an expert at it!

1 hour and 26 minutes in…The Wife’s hands clawed at the teevee. I think she’s is trying to physically enter THE ROOM…searching for complete immersion into Johnny’s drama…or maybe she’s trying to turn it off. She didn’t accomplish either. The film builds to it’s dramatic conclusion behind her crimson hand prints and maniacal laughter. The party is over. The guests have left. Lisa has left to be with Mark. Everyone has betrayed Johnny. He is alone…in THE ROOM.

You... you got pain - at least you know you're alive.

1 hour 33 minutes in…Everything will be alright. Goodnight Johnny.

Truth is dreams that don't come true, and nobody prints your name in the paper 'til you die.

The Wife has stopped crying. “Am I dead?” she asks.

“You’re in a better place,” I tell her. “You are forever changed.”

Bev Hills Season 7

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

That’s right, The Wife and I just cracked the seal on our season 7 box set of 90210!

And you just know it’s gonna’ be a great season of the classic 90210 when you get …

A bra less Donna in the first episode:

My eyes are up here.

Val‘s gradual transformation into her “hot mom look” by the second:

My eyes are up here.

And this bit of awesomeness:

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Cooley Jackson!

Tony Fields!

Darcel Wynne!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

God, I love this fucking show!

Blue Drank

So, yesterday I was working on an upcoming post for THE ROOM Week (I know, I know, it’s not until May and you’re already sick of me talking about it) and I was getting all crazy Virgo about some minor details that I couldn’t figure out…so I turned to Bwana for some help.

I shot him a quick email since I was sure he must be some sort of expert on the details in question…I eventually figured it out on my own (with some help from The Wife) and emailed Bwana again to share the good news.

When he emailed me back he expressed his approval and admiration of my findings and then he hit me up with a (non THE ROOM) question of his own for me!

Yum, it's produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands!

“Hey, what do you think that blue stuff that Aunt Beru gave to Luke to drink when he was whining about going to get the power converters was?”

Hmmmmm…an interesting question…I was pretty sure Bwana was in no way making fun of me or “busting my balls” as the (Italian) kids say…so I hit the internets to find out just what in the Hell was in that future flask!

A few key strokes later and I ended up on Wookieepedia! And sure as shit there was an entry for Blue Milk!

It says: “Blue milk, sometimes known as Bantha milk[1] was a blue-colored liquid produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands. It could be found on most planets across the galaxy. The milk was well known for being very rich and refreshing, its opaque coloring suggesting that it was also sweet. The milk was also used to make a variety of yogurt, ice cream, and cheese.”

There’s even a commercial for it:

So, there you go, Bwana! If you (or any of you other Awesomeness readers) think of any other burning questions I can answer for ya’ just let me know at mrcanacorn@gmail.com or hit me up in the comments section!

80s Prom Awesomeness

Please press play…

Who's Bad?

Well guess which bodacious couple crashed the 80s prom at the Austin Country Club?

If you’re like, “The Canacorns, duh.”

Then I’d be all like, “No shit, Sherlock!”

Of course it was us!

I was a worried that my suit was a little too much early 90s Robert Van Winkle and not enough late 80s Corey Feldman…but no one seemed to notice…so whatevs…

The Wife was looking like a stone cold fox…what with the tan lines, crunchy bangs and the 7 month baby belly:

Goin' on a Manhunt!

And like Mr. and Mrs. H, we looked gorgeous!

Bring On The Dancing Horses

But we didn’t go alone…oh no…we brought friends! Say hello to Kyle and Ashley Carrington! (See more of these kooks HERE!)

The Way It Is

We posed for a few pics outside before heading inside Casa Canacorn for a few drinks…

Is it Raining Men?

Meeting In The Ladie's Room

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

These boys Like To Party All The Time

Alright, enough loosening up for the drive…let’s cross the tracks and get our Prom on! And what a fancy prom it was! There was all sorts of booze and snacks…they even had sliders!

Hurts So Good

Get Out Of My Dreams And Into My Belly?

After chowing down it was time for some authentic 80s dancing to our totally radical 80s cover band, The Neomaxizoomdweebies (Uh, truth be told, I don’t remember what they were called)!

These guys had The Eye Of The Tiger

Getting Physical!

Lets Dance!

Maneaters

Even though none of us were crowned King and Queen, we still had a great time…you know, just like the Brat Packers used to have back in the good old 1980s!

Oh, we even got a prom picture!

Just The Two Of Us

How About A Third Fucking Blog, Mr. C?

I told y'all I'm happy to be having a boy, right?

Seems like a good idea right?

Well, in a way it kind of is…FOR YOU!

“How so,” you ask?

I’ll tell ya’.

The Wife and I are going to be blogging together…all about our journey into parenthood.

See? I can hear you groaning and complaining already…

Well, that’s why we’ve started a whole new blog…the pornography and other not safe for work goodies you’ve come to love and expect from Awesomeness won’t, I repeat, WON’T be sullied by my rambling posts about “how scary it is being a father to be“…or the ridiculously nauseating posts of “look what we’ve done in the baby’s room,” and “we’re so excited to meet our son we can hardly wait!”

It’s called What Have We Done? and you can go visit if you really want to see what’s doing with our pregnancy and our lives. It’s safe for work and safe enough even for our very own parents. Except for some coarse language I can’t think of anything that could be considered objectionable…But you know me, I’m wildly inappropriate, so what the fuck do I know?

So, a recap: Awesomeness and The Bride will stay their usual filth filled selves and What Have We Done? will be boring stuff about our baby and baby related topics written by me and The Wife.

Okay? Sound good? Wanna’ see another pic of a couple of girls that make their daddies proud? You got it!

Look daddy, I made the cover!

Sheeeeeeeit

I found this at Paul Sheer dot com:

Who knew how much fun you could have with Obamicon.Me?

Oh, The Wife did.

Whatevs 08

Picture Unrelated

Over at Lucky Kitty, The Wife posted some of her favorite “whatevers” of 2008 yesterday.

So now that we know what made Momma happy this past year, what about Daddy?

Here’s a quick list of some of my favorite things:

– Seeing my son wave “hello” to me and The Wife during his ultrasound

– Finally getting my goddamned A in Chemistry

– Reading the best Superman comic ever written: All Star Superman

– Joining Netflix

– Watching this:

– Finally owning one of these:

En garde, I'll let you try my Wu-Tang style

Also loves:

– Visiting all the crazy awesome blogs out there on the internet (I’m looking especially at you Kindertrauma)

– Bringing you Fetish Fridays on a semi-regular basis

– Pubic hair’s gradual comeback

– Oh, and porn…and records, vinyl records

It’s a short list, but I think you get a feel for what I was about in 2008…I hope everyone had a great 08 and here’s to a super fine 09!

So, What Did You Accomplish At Work Today?

Today, I downloaded a new ringtone.

I know it doesn’t seem like an exciting topic to blog about, but just wait. Did you know T Mobile has sound effects for your phone? Sure you did. Did you know that they have over 10 different “bodily functions” options…mostly involving burping and farting noises? Now this might not seem all that great to you, but boy, did the 8 year old in me get super excited!

What to choose?

BIG FART
GRUNTING AND FARTING SLOB
LONG CONTINUOUS FARTING
MEDIUM FART
TOILET BOWL NASTINESS 1
TOILET BOWL NASTINESS 2

While I’m sure BIG FART is pretty much a classic and LONG CONTINUOUS FARTING has some major potential, I just had to go with the classy sounding: WET FART MONTAGE. I mean, doesn’t a sound collage of wet farts sound classier (and way more hilarious) than just a boring old MEDIUM FART?

I thought so too. So I ponied up my $1.99 and got me a WET FART MONTAGE ringer for my phone. Oh God, you should hear it! It’s all, “PPPPPFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT…PPPFFTT…PPPFFFTTTTTTTT!” My buddy and I spent about 20 minutes listening to my “FART FONE”….at work. Right out there on the floor. Granted, we’re not saving lives at the record store, but it was nice to stick it to the man by giggling over fart noises for almost a half hour on the clock. Take that, the man!

Once The Wife found out about THE FART FONE, she was less than enthused or amused that I spent $1.99 on a fart. I tried to explain that it wasn’t just a fart, but a WET FART MONTAGE.
A montage…you know…that makes it classy. She wasn’t buying it.

That was until THE FART PHONE went off in the truck on the way home….and being the perfect wife that she is, she laughed right along with her immature husband all through the whole montage of wet farts.

Ahh, love….and farts.

A Big Ass Turd In My Hand.

A few weeks ago I offered to write a movie review for a friend’s website. No big deal, right? I have all this free time and I love talking about movies, so writing a review should be a piece of cake! I emailed my buddy:

ME: If you ever need a Richard Dreyfuss to your Robert Shaw, I’d be
willing to help out doing a guest review or something. I’m out of school
for a while, so whatever.

BUDDY: What do you wanna review? anything in mind?

ME: Creatures From The Abyss (aka Plankton) would be a cool one to
review….I don’t know, you could give me an assignment, just like J. Jonah
Jameson.

BUDDY: Yeah, go ahead. I actually have seen that recently. It came in a 3 pack
with The Dark, and The Being.

That last email was on Feb. 4th. I never started the review. I kept telling myself, I just didn’t have the time right now and I’d get to it….then I get this email on the 7th.

BUDDY: how’s the review going?

OH FUCK! He was serious….and I need to get working on this damn review…so I shot him back a little white lie.

ME: Started working on my review…I hope to have it to you by next weekend if that’s okay. Don’t feel obligated to use it if you feel it doesn’t fit in…

BUDDY: Hope to have it by next weekend? Jesus, who are you Frank Fuckin’ Herbert? Crank that motherfucker out and we’ll get along fine. Do you have a way to grab screengrabs from it? I have the disc if you don’t. Feel free to come up with funny captions if you want. Rib will change em if they really suck. That’s the hardest part to write I think, but no joke is really too stupid.

Screengrabs? Oh, man, the panic was really building…..calm the fuck down and just go watch the movie…first, email your buddy back…play it cool…use a little humor…

ME: It’s up to 15 pages, typed, double spaced at this point…actually, I just started re-watching it yesterday. I don’t have a way to do screengrabs…so that will have to be up to you guys.

BUDDY: Don’t worry about the review being perfect, I don’t. I’ve read your blogs, which are good, so think of it like that. If you wanna contribute reviews semi-regularly afterward, that’s fine. Obviously, you’re free to be obscene, which is fun.

His last email calmed my nerves some. I have found my voice in AWESOMENESS… and really do enjoy writing my little blog. I guess the thing is, the blog is for me. Sure, I obviously write to be read by others, but ultimately, I just post stuff for my own selfish enjoyment. By offering my writing to someone else I was really putting myself out there. This isn’t some paper for school (which I agonize over…just ask The Wife), this was for someone else’s website.

Let me stop here and stress one thing: I AM A VIRGO.

“Astrologers broadly agree that the following are the characteristics of Virgo:
The Virgo is prone to being overly proud, fussy, nervous, pedantic, petty, self-conscious, harsh, paranoid, scared of being sick, aloof, calculating, hard-edged, overly critical, judgmental, pretentious, snobby, nervous, timid, compulsive, folds under pressure, a perfectionist, stubborn, and conservative.” -Astrologers

…and that’s the absolute fucking truth. I am my own worse critic…as I assume most people are, but I’m really, really hard on myself. Well, it was time to get to work! I watched CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS armed only with a pad of paper, a pen, and my pretentious (yet self-conscious) wit.

After the film I was left with these:

Two pages filled with cryptic references to Clint Howard, Alec Holland, Joey Silvera, PRIVATE MEDIA GROUP and other not so obscure people and places….and then there’s 100s of word combinations like: swank bar glass chrome sectional, slapping method, Dadaist manifesto, Julie looks dead but still hot, extreme caviar birthing, and my favorite: “Not a fish pedophile.”

What in the hell am I supposed to do with that?! Get to writing, that’s what, Canacorn!

So I sat my ass at the computer and wrote…and wrote…and wrote…and 1,350 words later I was left with this:

A BIG ASS TURD IN MY HAND.

Or so I thought.

I emailed my buddy the review on Feb. 16th and waited for his critique. Man, was I nervous…I mean, I’m about to be judged on my opinions of a shitty horror movie and how I decided to express my feelings about said shitty horror movie by a guy who has lived and breathed shitty horror movies a good decade longer than I have. All I could picture was J. Jonah Jameson ripping me and my review to shreds.

Well…I did hear back from my buddy…and he liked it…he said it was great. Uh, wow…So not too shabby for my first go…and I got lucky by having an easy editor.

Here’s the trailer:

So, enough is enough…here’s the link to my 1st online review:

PLANKTON

I May Not Always Love You…

Let’s take a romantical trip down memory lane…

Before The Wife was The Wife, she was just a girl at the record shop that I was totally crushing on. Sure, we were both in relationships with other people, but they just weren’t working out anymore. We totally realized we were falling in love when QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE rocked our socks off with what became our first song.

AVON

When The Wife and I were dating, I was really into The Beach Boys, PET SOUNDS. The whole album makes me go all dreamy for The Wife, but it’s really all about that first song on side 2. She didn’t know how I felt about this song until we were watching BIG LOVE and I told her how it makes me think of her….Boy, did I get a look after that first line in the song…

GOD ONLY KNOWS

Well, you know the old saying, “First comes love, then comes marriage,” right? That’s exactly what happened to us! We needed a special wedding song to really capture how the both of us feel about each other. And who knows more about love than Dolly, Kenny, and The Brothers Gibb?

ISLANDS IN THE STREAM

There you go, I hope everyone has a HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY…and if you’re one of those people who don’t dig on V-Day, I’m sorry to hear that…maybe some day you’ll change your mind.

I’m going to take a page out of my buddy Catherine’s book and sign off with:

Love, Mr. Canacorn