What’s The Deal With Clare’s Hair?

Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly‘s room and read her journal?

And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare‘s hair in her journal?

I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandon…again…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.

Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.

And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.

Bev Hills Season 7

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

That’s right, The Wife and I just cracked the seal on our season 7 box set of 90210!

And you just know it’s gonna’ be a great season of the classic 90210 when you get …

A bra less Donna in the first episode:

My eyes are up here.

Val‘s gradual transformation into her “hot mom look” by the second:

My eyes are up here.

And this bit of awesomeness:

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Cooley Jackson!

Tony Fields!

Darcel Wynne!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

God, I love this fucking show!

NoTORIously Awesome

It’s no secret around Awesomeness that I am totally crushing on Donna Martin…but I wouldn’t love Donna “I’m smarter than everyone thinks I am” Martin if she wasn’t played by Tori “I’m smarter than everyone thinks I am” Spelling.

Tori has been shit on by the media and the bloggers for years…and that’s one of the reasons why I think she’s so great. I know, I Know, that sounds just like a record store clerk…always championing things that the masses are too dumb “to really understand“.

It’s true, though…my love for The Shaggs should be evidence enough that I have superior taste and that I’m always right when it comes to deeming something/someone awesome.

Which brings me to So NoTORIous. The Wife and I totally missed the boat when T’s show originally aired in 2006. Which is kind of a shame since we hate being late to a party…especially a party where The Gays are at (aren’t they always at the best parties?!)!

T hides from Shannen Doherty while clutching a Colt Explorer.

Well, after The Wife and I both finished reading sTORI TELLING by TORI SPELLING we just had to watch her failed sitcom. If you haven’t seen SO NoTORIous, I recommend reading T’s book first. The book has all the background you’ll need to fully appreciate the absurdity of all 10 episodes of NoTORIous…not that you have to read the book, but reading is fundamental, you know.

T's audition tape for Steven Soderbergh.

Anyway, we just watched the last episode last night and we’re kind of sad to say goodbye to T and her wacky friends and family. I hear this show has some sort of Gay following, but don’t worry, you don’t have to be a little light in your loafers to enjoy it…If T’s not your idea of eye candy, there’s Brennan Hesser as her gal pal, Janey. Or if you like your ladies a bit more old school, Loni Anderson is one fine looking cougar as T’s self absorbed mother.

T hangs with Charo in KiKi's gift wrapping room.

And if you do swing the other way (and haven’t watched the show yet) or if you’re a woman, there’s Zachary Quinto to get your blood pumping. (I was totally going to have a link of a fake nude for Zach…but I’ll leave that search up to you…they’re out there…trust me.).

Donna Martin Masturbates...classic.

So the supporting cast is great, but the show is all about Big T for me…not only is she a stone cold fox, but she’s funny as hell. Some reviewers have compared T’s show to Fat Actress (bleh) and Curb Your Enthusiasm (not quite), but I think it’s more in the vein of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (less like Seinfeld on crack and more like Friends on special K).

Check it out…there’s only 10 episodes…what else have you got going on anyway?

Oh, and I’d like to dedicate this next one to T…it’s by The Shaggs and it’s called You’re Something Special To Me (just pretend it’s about a girl):

You rule, T!

Donna Martin May Be A Virgin…

…But Sometimes She Dresses Like A Whore.

Okay 90210 Fashionista Fans, we’re back with some more Donna Martin Season 5 fashion!

If you happened to miss the first installment you can go HERE and Get Your Donna On!

Things are still moving a bit slowly on the second disc…The horrible influence of one Kelly Taylor is seriously fucking with my girl’s psyche in a major way!

I can’ tell you guys how much those goddamn baby doll dresses bother the shit out me…Right off the bat we’re subjected to this:

Donna, why are you still rocking this tired “fashion statement”? Maybe if you were more Kinderwhore…or even better, more Carroll Baker, I’d be into this look for you…but you’re just trying too hard to be like your (lame) best friend, Kelly.

Ugh! Not even the Doc Martin knockoffs are helping! Kelly, just leave Donna alone for 10 fucking minutes so she can dress herself for God’s sake!

Okaaaaaaaaay, maybe that was a bad idea. Here are those damn asymmetrical (not to mention ill-fitting) cut offs again. At least she got the top right this time. You’ll start to notice a whole lot more belly shirts in Donna’s evolving wardrobe. I know I promised some great looks for Donna….and there will be…remember, I told you it would be a gradual transformation not an overnight makeover. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know.

This one’s pretty good. Now that Donna is palling around with “regular Joe”, (and soon to be “abusive Joe”) Ray Pruit (with one T…’cause that’s all his mom could afford…har har), she’s allowing herself a little white trash inspiration. It’s hard to tell from the picture, but Donna is wearing a white mesh shirt over her belly tank like some little angel that could appear on Danzig‘s shoulder when he feels tempted to have yet another piece of red velvet cake.

Now this outfit isn’t so great, but it’s important for two reasons. One, is that it’s not a baby doll dress…and two, the hair helmet is back but now it’s been adorned with children’s barrettes! Donna is really starting to find her groove…sure, she’s hasn’t figured out how to put all the pieces together yet…but she’s close. Oh, the shirt doesn’t say BARBIE, it says BABIE in the Barbie font…clever.

Like most (creepy) guys I really like this look for our virtuous little virgin. It’s young…it’s innocent…and she finally has some damn cut offs that fit!

I wish I could tell you that it’s not Halloween in the above picture and that she’s not wearing a costume…’cause then I could tell you that this is MY ALL TIME FAVORITE OUTFIT Donna Martin has ever worn…EVER! But it is Halloween and it is a costume.

And so is this one:

Sure, you can’t really see the whole “Sexy Cat” outfit from this picture, but you can see that Donna just bitchslapped the shit out of über-douche-kind-of-boyfriend, Griffin Stone (why yes, that is Casper Van Dien)! And she did it right outside of the KEG House after Griffin insulted Ray and pretty much called Donna a cock tease…So, cracking Griff across the jaw seemed like a good idea at the time especially since Ray hasn’t thrown Donna down the fucking stairs…yet.

So that was disc 2…I hope I’m not alienating too many of my faithful readers with my Donna Martin obsession. I guess if I am, you’re not all that faithful of a reader in the first place and you’re just checking out Awesomeness for that promised extreme old man homo fisting post.

Jeez, keep your pants on…it’s coming…patience is a virtue.

Stay classy!

Donna Martin Graduates…

…To The number one Spot In My Heart (after The Wife, of course)!

Hey kids! If you’ve ever had to listen to me talk about television shows I like then you know that BEVERLY HILLS 90210 is quite possibly my most favoritest show of all time…and the gal on the left of your computer screen is the reason why.

I know everyone is all about Brenda (I will agree that she had the best line in the show when she told that one bitch in the halls of West Beverly to, “Have fun at the gynacologist!” super loud in front of all her friends), but for me, the reigning Queen of 90210 is the one and only DONNA MARTIN!

Everyone treats her like she’s some kind of doofus….but have you ever listened to the wisdom that comes out of her perfectly painted mouth? And how about that glorious bleach blond hair? What about her killer cleavage?! And the outfits! Dear God, once Season 5 kicks in, Donna pretty much abandons the flowery baby doll dresses with socks and some kind of boot and blows our minds with the most amazing combinations!

Sooooo, I’m going to put on my totally magical gay-hat today and treat y’all to……….The Fashions Of Donna Martin Season 5!

Okay, okay…stop your groaning already! My blog can’t always be about porn, horror movies, 80s music, and extreme old man homo fisting…oh, I haven’t posted that one yet…if you thought you wanted to skip this post, just you wait!

This is what’s doing….in a sort of regular schedule I will be posting the best Donna outfits from season 5 of 90210 disc by disc! Oh, I can hear your brains melting in anticipation!

For today we have disc one. Things start a little slow on the first disc…Donna is still mimicking Kelly Taylor with those damn baby doll dresses, but like a beautiful butterfly emerging from a cocoon, Donna’s fashion will go through a glorious metamorphosis!

Episode 3 gives us this sporty little number!

I like it…the hot pink short sleeve jacket is killer-diller with that super-hot, white, pleated skirt! You can also see the beginnings of Donna’s Big Barda hair helmet in the picture above!

In the same episode you get the first sighting of Donna’s hideous cut off shorts. Now I’m a man who loves a hot bod in some cut offs, but these are ridiculous! The worst part about these ratty things is that she wears them in multiple episodes!

First off, they’re way too big on her! Cut offs are meant to be tight and sexy…at least that’s what the 70s and 80s taught me. For shame, Donna! And maybe it’s because I’m a Virgo, but I firmly believe that cut offs should be symmetrical. What’s the deal with that long flap of denim on the back of her left leg?! This is a mess…the top is okay I guess, but I’m really getting tired of all these tiny flower prints. You best step up your game, girl…there’s only 7 discs left!

And then, when I had just about given up on her….Donna did the right thing and whipped her tits out!

Now, we all know Tori got her boobs done in her 20s…but they just don’t quite have the majestic cavern between them at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I like ’em, but they don’t look like they could be a suitable koozie for my tall boy of Lone Star…yet.

Alright, not too shabby for the first disc of Season 5. Stay tuned for more amazing fashion from one Donna Martin, as seen on Beverly Hills 90210, in the coming weeks.

Stay classy, everybody!