LOST 90210

Okay, here’s the thing…The Wife and I have NOT been watching this season of LOST. Well, we started watching it then there was this whole writer’s strike thing…we got into THE WIRE, BSG, and then Season 4 of BEVERLY HILLS 90210 came out on dvd…

Hold it right there! That’s right, you heard me! We are not watching LOST because we are too busy watching 90210. Don’t act all shocked and judgmental.

First, we are letting the final LOST episodes stack up in our dvr so we can watch them in a big chunk after the season ends…and second, 90210 is one of the greatest shows that has ever been on tee-vee! Yes, I said it..and I fucking mean it, so back off.

Besides, I’ve been kind of cheating with LOST thanks to THE NAKED JUNGLE’S weekly LOST blogs…check ‘em out.

Anyway, with all the grief The Wife and I have been getting about 90210 vs. LOST it got us thinking….

Aren’t LOST and 90210 basically the same shows? Seriously…let’s take a look at our cast of characters, shall we?

First up, locations….
THE ISLAND….this is easy….BEVERLY HILLS.
THE HATCH…..THE PEACH PIT
THE BEACH CAMP….WEST BEVERLY HIGH
THE OTHER’S CAMP….THE BEACH HOUSE

Now on to the casts….
(The list is far from complete and maybe even flawed…if you have a better pairing of LOST and 90210 characters, please let me know.)

JACK….BRANDON (smug, self righteous, star)
SAWYER….DYLAN (bad boy to the extreme)
KATE….KELLY (annoying, flawed, love interest)
SAYID….JESSE (torture…pure torture)
CHARLIE….DAVID (punk ass kid)
CLAIRE….DONNA (not the sharpest knife in the drawer)
JULIET….BRENDA (pain in the ass bitch)
LOCKE….STEVE (always up to trouble…and a Mr. Canacorn favorite on both shows)
ANNA LUCIA….VALERIE (just dropping in to cause some trouble)
MICHAEL….MRS. TEASLEY (uh, you know…concerned about kids)
WALT….DESHAUN (okay, it’s hard to find black people on 90210)
SUN….CINDY WALSH (kind of there…no one really cares about your storyline)
JIN….JIM WALSH (see above)
HURLEY….ANDREA (fatty, fatty, 2×4, can’t fit through the kitchen door)
VINCENT….ROCKY II (dogs)
SMOKE MONSTER….EMILY VALENTINE (scary and mysterious)
BEN….NAT (THE MAN, THE MYTH…JOE E. TATA!) (the real stars of the shows)

So, we were stumped on a few characters…give us a break, it’s early and the pot of coffee is only half empty…but you can help! Just comment below and let’s get this list revised and completed!

LOST 90210

Azul Claro

I miss my mustache…

Thanks for reminding me, PROJECTIONIST.

Clickity Clickity

Heads up, gang! I just spent over 2 fucking hours traveling the tubes of the interweb searching for new and exciting blogs to share with my fellow time wasters…I mean, insatiable knowledge seekers…

So, direct your attention to the right and you will see some new links filed under some nifty new link categories ————————————————————————————>

Explicit Depictions**NSFW**
Do I have to spell this out for you? THESE LINKS ARE NOT SAFE FOR WORK!
Don’t be a baby and come crying to me if you click on one of these and see something that might offend you…okay? Okay.

Food, Food, Food
These are about…you guessed it….FOOD. This category is kinda’ new to me..so it will be a slow grower.

Heroes And Villains
I am a nerd…I like books with drawings in them…I call them comic books.

Hey, I know you!
I actually know these people…they have many interests…I am interested in what they are interested in.

Just stuff
That’s it…all sorts of stuff.

News
These kids keep me informed about all the important things going on in this cuckoo cuckoo world.

Persistence Of Vision
“Persistence of vision is the phenomenon of the eye by which even nanoseconds of exposure to an image result in milliseconds of reaction (sight) from the retina to the optic nerves. This is because persistence of vision depends on chemical transmission of nerve responses, and this biochemical hysteresis is much slower than the light transmission.“
…uh…movies and tee-vee…that kind of stuff…

Psychoacoustics
“Psychoacoustics is the study of subjective human perception of sounds. Alternatively it can be described as the study of the psychological correlates of the physical parameters of acoustics.”
…uh…music…you listen to it…

The Horror
I’m a sucker for all sorts of monsters, killers, slashers, and the people they love to kill…and so are these fine folks.

The Wife
You know her…I love her…she blogs.

Keep your eyes peeled…I’m sure I’ll be adding more…

The Action “Comes Alive” As You Read!

As a little guy I had quite a few PETER PAN RECORDS. Do y’all remember those read along LPs featuring some of your favorite comic book and tee-vee characters? Boy, I sure do…I even found an old Kojak record not too long ago…look:

Who loves ‘ya, baby? You know Mr.Canacorn does…that’s why I found this cool YouTube site that has all sorts of Power Records for your listening and viewing pleasure! There are SUPERHEROES, MONSTERS, and for you more mature kids, MOVIE TIE-INS!

Today, I present to you, PLANET OF THE APES! (I never had this one, but I finally got to read along with all the action…and now, so can you!)

Classic Planet of the Apes Read Along from Power Records…Part 1

Part 2

They also released all four exciting stories on one record!

AWESOMENESS!

So hop on over to SECRET CAVERN to get your read along on! Or just Google “Power Records” and be amazed by the number of sites devoted to sharing these wonderful records with you…for free!

Oh, and this was just too cool…

I know, I’m a nerd.

Two For Tuesdays

Every once in a while a friend has an idea for my blog, “You should totally do a MAN-UP on so and so,” or “Howsabout fill in the blank for your TWO FOR’S?”

While I love the suggestions (and the fact that someone is even interested in the content of my blog) I usually shy away from their concept and try to figure out one on my own. I do like trying to build on their idea and twisting it to fit into my not so unique vision of AWESOMENESS.

So, with that being said, thanks to Swede for his LEE VAN CLEEF MAN-UP proposal…which I have decided to turn into today’s TWO FOR about…

THE MAESTRO, ENNIO MORRICONE

I knew right away what song I wanted to feature first…I remember one beer fueled afternoon when The Good Doctor and his girlfriend played the trailer for the EXORCIST II THE HERETIC over and over again just to hear this track…

MAGIC AND ECSTASY

Now was that AWESOME or what?! That has to be my all time favorite pieces of music THE MAESTRO has ever written…yes, even better than THIS!

THE MAESTRO has sooo many songs to choose from that span sooo many genres, it’s hard to pick just two…but I’ll try.

Svolta Definitiva

“What’s that from?” you ask? Peep this awesome trailer for VIOLENT CITY!

If you have a hankerin’ for some more Morricone head on over to:

MORRICONE ROCKS

They rule over there!

Man-Up Mondays!

It’s no secret that I love me some questionable comedic material…growing up in the 70s and 80s will do that to an impressionable young man. It’s also no secret that I spent waaaay too much time planted in front of the tee-vee soaking up the politically incorrect language, images, and world views of various entertainers. Which brings me to the man in today’s spotlight:

MURRAY LANGSTON

(You might know him as, THE UNKNOWN COMIC) DOB: Unknown - Still Kickin’

Oh man, I loved this guy on THE GONG SHOW! Seriously. I thought Murray was comedy gold…Hey, Give me a break, I was just a kid. Here, you tell me:

GONG SHOW BRILLIANCE

No? Not funny? Not even a little? Whatever…I wonder how you can go through life being so boring..sorry he’s not all DANE COOK…

Anyway, a few years ago a buddy of mine (who actually appreciates my love for THE UC) bought me this:

LIFE IN THE BOWLING LANE

When I was planning on honoring Murray I remembered I never even watched the damn thing…notice the hefty $1 price tag in the upper corner? It’s kinda’ hard to read, but trust me, this dvd was only $1. You just know it’s gonna’ be good!

Uh…..um….truth be told…it’s not so good. I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s no KINGPIN, but what is? Click the link above the picture of the dvd for some info..I will tell you this, it was made in 1993…but get this, the butts of some of his jokes are Pia Zadora, Robert Goulet, and Bo Derek?! Not so timely there, Murray…

There is a pretty cool interview with Murray here…I know you’re not all that into clicking on every link I throw your way so, here’s my favorite part:

“That was, ah, Make Me Laugh. I did Make Me Laugh, and I was doing a bunch of jokes. It wasn’t as The Unknown Comic; it was as me, because I did it both as me and as The Unknown Comic. And I did a joke where I was reading things out of a newspaper, because you’re trying to make somebody laugh. I never did Sinatra jokes in my act, but I did one joke where I said, “Sinatra’s gonna open up a halfway house for girls who don’t go all the way.” It wasn’t a hard joke. I totally forgot about it.

So I guess Sinatra saw a rerun six months later and he literally… I’m shaving, and he calls me on the phone. Of course, you don’t think Sinatra’s calling you. So I pick up the phone, and he goes, “Is this Murray Langston?” I go, “Yeah.” He says, “This is Sinatra, you cocksucker,” and he starts cursing at me. “You ever mention my name, I’m gonna break your fucking legs,” and all this shit, you know. I don’t believe it’s Sinatra, I think it’s a friend of mine. I’m going, “Fuck you, dickhead.” He’s going back and forth with me, and I’m laughing at him, and the more I laugh at him, the more he’s getting pissed off.

He’s saying, “This is Frank Sinatra.” The other thing is, I don’t remember ever doing a joke on Sinatra. Finally, he screams at me, I don’t know what he said. I said, “Yeah, if you’re Sinatra, sing ‘My Way,’ asshole.” That’s what did it. He just yelled at me and hung up. So I got back to shaving, and a couple minutes later the phone rings again, and I pick it up. It’s another voice that I recognize, saying, “Is this Murray Langston?” I say, “Yeah.” He says, “This is Milton Berle. Do you recognize my voice?” And I recognized Milton Berle’s voice. He says, “Look, Frank just called me. Apparently, you didn’t think you were talking to him.” I had to stop shaving, because I’d probably cut my throat at the time. Anyway, he tells me Sinatra’s this and Sinatra’s that, and he says, “I’m not blaming you. He’s just a little crazy at his age.”

Anyway, it was funny, because he went through the agency and actually was trying… I found out through a lot of sources that he was really going to have somebody rough me up. I called up the producer of this show and I said, “You’ll never guess what happened.” And the producer says, “Yeah, Frank Sinatra called me.” I said, “How’d you know?” “Well, where do you think he got your phone number?” I said, “You asshole.” It was a big stink. What a jerk this guy was.“

So, hats off to Murray Langston, THE UNKNOWN COMIC…and the writer and star of this little 1984 comic masterpiece:

NIGHT PATROL

The NoZone!!!!

Remember when The Wife went and abandoned my sorry ass at the record store (read: got herself a new job)? Well, first off, she’s loving it (thanks for asking) and second, there is some training involved when you start a new job…huh…who knew?

Part of the training involves this thing called THE NOZONE! Here, I’ll let The Wife explain…Uh, Wife, could you please come in here for a sec?

Hey Y’all… it’s The Wife… ok, so, you see, it’s like this… THE NOZONE is my personal threshold for harassment… for example… say you told me a racist joke, but I thought it was funny… not the NOZONE… but say you told me a racist joke and I was totally offended… NOZONE!

Let’s say you accidentally brush up against my boob in the breakroom, but then you apologize immediately… not the NOZONE… but what if you brush up against my boob and then say something like ‘was it as good for you as it was for me’… and (now this is important) I WASN’T into it… NOZONE… if I WAS into your totally crude comment… no worries about any zones at all…

Thanks, hon. So, lets try this shall we? Here are a couple of cartoons that accompanied the training…you decide, NOZONE or not!

Wow…those old White dudes are totally racist….but are we in the NOZONE? If you guessed “YES” you are wrong. Why? Well, look at ‘em….not one of those guys cares that anything they’re saying is offensive…in fact, what they’re saying is not offensive to any of them. Now say some “sneaky” Japanese guy was hiding behind an office chair or a plant and he overheard guy #3…now we just might be entering Mr. Moto’s NOZONE! Which is wrong and bad.

Okay, on to the next one…

Well, NOZONE or not? Look closely at Jose…you know what, I’m starting to think that the guy in the chair isn’t even named Jose…it could be Timoteo, or Onofre, or Honoratas, or Efrain, or even Ambrosio…shit, this doesn’t look good…and notice the thought balloon above “Jose”…it’s all filled with “*!@#&” and in the Hispanic cartoon world that could only mean one thing, “Cojeda tú tú asno perra!” This is so totally NOZONE right here, people, it’s not even funny.

How did y’all do? Don’t worry if you’re not catching on right away. This kind of stuff takes practice, believe me. So just keep at it and don’t be afraid to ask people if you’ve entered their NOZONE with your seemingly appropriate behavior…you just might be surprised.

Luckily for me, The Wife took the online training (and aced the NOZONE test at the end) so she’ll be able to help me recognize other people’s NOZONES in the future.

Good luck, Boners!

FEAR[S] OF THE DARK

Check out this trailer:

FEARS[S] OF THE DARK

It’s for FEAR[S] OF THE DARK. What’s it about? Well, according to their website:

“Spiders’ legs brushing against naked skin…
Unexplainable noises heard at night in a dark bedroom…
A big empty house where you feel a presence…
A hypodermic needle getting closer and closer…
A dead thing trapped in a bottle of formaldehyde…
A huge growling dog, baring its teeth and staring…
So many scary moments we have experienced at some point in our lives – like the craftsmen of this journey straight to the land of fear.
Six of the worlds hottest graphic artists and cartoonists have breathed life into their nightmares, bleeding away colour only to retain the starkness of light and the pitch black of shadows.
Their intertwined stories make up an unprecedented epic where phobias, disgust and nightmares come to life and reveal Fear at its most naked and intense…”

I found out about FEAR[S] thanks to SHADOWPLAY. What’s SHADOWPLAY, you ask? Well, here’s what Mr. Cairns has to say about his blog:

About
David Cairns’ willfully eccentric film blog. Cult, arthouse, classic, modern, rubbish, no distinctions made no quarter given.
David Cairns is a film director, screenwriter, journalist, lecturer, blogger.
“Isn’t it amazing that there are so many of me, and so few of you?”
Producers: if you would like to revitalise British cinema and television, let’s talk.

What Mr. Canacorn has to say:

About SHADOWPLAY
David Cairns’ pretentious all knowing film blog minus the pretensions usually associated with director, screenwriter, journalist, lecturer, blogger type blogs.
Usually leaves me stunned and amazed every time I click over there…constantly pleased with his most amazing screen shots of films I know and films I’ve never heard of.
Not a bad guy…even if he is a Brit.
“Now I’m gonna show you what I already know.” (I have no idea where David’s quote is from in his ABOUT section..anyone know mine?)
Readers: If you want to learn a few things about cool movies, click over to SHADOWPLAY.

Thanks David, for making the interweb a more enjoyable place…cheers!

Now Way A Mint, I Can Splain Everthin

Do you guys have a family member that sends out those weird chain emails? You know the ones…you groan every time you open your inbox and see..

“Fw: She really works!!!!!!!!! If you need money“

See the stars? That’s “Money coming my way!“

Money Angel
This is a money angel Pass it to 6 of your good friends,
or family and be rich in 4 Days.
Pass it to 12 of your good friends or family and be rich in 2 Days.
I am not joking. You will find an unexpected windfall. If you delete it, you will never know!
SHE WORKS SHE REALLY WORKS!!

Blagh! Go eat a fart sandwich, Money Angel…if that is your real name!

But, every once in a while I get a random email from one of my Aunts…sometimes it’s a update about the family but mostly it’s just some dumb joke. I actually don’t mind these joke emails too much…in a way, the remind me of my childhood and just how goofy my family is.

So, guess what? I’m going to share these jokes with you Jive Turkeys when I get them from now on…

On to the hilarity!

Two Navy Chiefs are getting shitfaced at the Club when suddenly one of ‘em throws up all
over himself.

“Damn, now my wife will kill me!”

The other chief says,

“Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your
wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars to have it
dry cleaned.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually they stumble out and go home and this chief’s wife started to
chew his ass out.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re
Disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, the chief says,

“Now way a mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thish damn Marine ga ssick on me.
He had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was
verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks.”

“Oh, yeah I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

RIM SHOT

Lets Go Arcade!

Ever hear of Ivonne Loyola?

She has a BLOG and a WEBSITE.

I don’t know her, but The Wife and I LOVE her short film LETS GO ARCADE
…Wha? Never heard of it? I guess I’m not surprised…we found it at I Luv Video about 7 years ago…really awesome store…seriously…

(photo borrowed from RHAAGA’S FLICKR PAGE)

Anyway, there it sat, one lonely vhs tape…I think it was only a 50 cent rental…it had a cutesy hand drawn box cover of Pac Man and maybe a ghost or two and the title, “LETS GO ARCADE.”

All we knew about it was that it was a musical set in a 1980s arcade..so that’s all you get and you get to keep your 50 cents cause it’s on YouTube:

The audio’s not the best, but that kind of adds to it’s vhs charm, if you ask me….

PART 1

PART 2

It still makes me smile…I’d love to get a copy of it on dvd…maybe I’ll drop this mysterious Ivonne Loyola a line and see if she has any to sell…oh, I even made this bumper sticker for my truck seven years ago…’cause I’m gay like that: