Final Girl Film Club Presents: The Car

Okay, movie fans, it’s time for another Final Girl Film Club! This is Stacie’s 20th Film Club pick…can you believe it? Last time we all got together to watch and review LIFEFORCE. Well, not really…we all watched the movie separately and blogged about it and then linked over to Final Girl. But I had fun being part of a group of sorts…which is odd, since I’m not much of a joiner….so I figured I’d participate again.

Sooooo, I bet you’re dying to hear what this month’s movie is (or you already know and you’re just here to see how my review stacks up against yours…it’s not a competition you know, so relax and enjoy the ride). Ride…see how I did that? See, the movie is THE CAR…and you ride in a car…forget it.

Today we talk 1977s THE CAR! I was pretty excited about this one, kids. Not only have I never seen it, but I didn’t even know it existed until this year. Now, I’m not a gearhead or a car nut, but I can appreciate a cool looking automobile even if I don’t know how to change it’s oil…and I can totally get behind a movie about a car that decides to terrorize a sleepy town in Utah! Look out Mormons, The Car is coming to grind your golden plates under it’s wheels and send your Latter-day asses to your precious Celestial Kingdom!

Wait. What? The movie is set in Utah, but there are no Mormons? Oh. Okay….never mind all that stuff about the golden plates…uh, so, the movie starts with this totally Satanic quote by none other than, The Black Pope (THE CAR‘s creative consultant), Anton LaVey!

“OH GREAT BROTHER OF THE NIGHT, WHO RIDETH OUT UPON THE HOT WINDS OF HELL , WHO DWELLETH IN THE DEVIL’S LAIR; MOVE AND APPEAR!”

"HONK! HOOOONK HONK HOOOONK!"

What the fuck does that mean? I think it’s supposed to mean that The Car is some sort of devil-car from Hell and it’s coming to whip up some demonic stunt driving on your face. And I’d pretty much be right. The first appearance of The Car itself is totally rad. But of course it is, since it was designed by the legendary George Barris, creator of some of the coolest cars on teevee…even my all time favorite, the 1966 Batmobile! Anyway, The Car means business; it’s drenched in all black pearl lacquer, sports four 18 gauge steel bumpers, and menacing Goodrich tires…and it’s LOUD. Needless to say, my cats were not pleased with The Car‘s constant engine revving and excessive horn honking.

"Like I told my last wife, I says, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides that, it's all in the reflexes....and my amazing hair."

Oh, The Car has this really rad “car-vision” thing going on…it’s like the driver is wearing Blue Blockers….Oh, snap! Maybe Dr. Geek is driving the devil-car?! Naaawwww, couldn’t be…know why? Because no one is driving the fucking thing! That’s right, The Car is an unstoppable death mobile Hell bent on killing everyone in the town of Santa Ynez for no damn good reason other than it’s a car summoned from the bowels of Hell by Anton LaVey! Well, James Brolin (Channeling Jack Burton‘s hair and Llewelyn Moss’ mustache), sheriff John Marley (Yes! Fucking Jack Woltz!) and his ragtag sheriff’s department, along with the town’s drunken wife beater (R.G. Armstrong) ain’t gonna’ go down without a fight! And since they’re in Utah, there are some real live Indians on the police force! How cool is that? You know, the 70s really had quite a love affair with Satanism, Indians, and mustaches…God, what a great decade.

"Well, lemme tell ya something, my Kraut-Mick friend, I ain't afraid of no car!"

Anyway, while watching the movie I came to an astonishing revelation, The Car isn’t just some sort of automotive demon it’s also a goddamned NINJA! Seriously! I bet most people are going to be comparing The Car to Bruce from JAWS and they’d be halfway right….but The Car gets all Michael Dudikoff and shit when it dodges bullets, mysteriously sneaks into Brolin’s house (?!), and karate flips into two cop cars and lands on it’s feet…uh, tires! I am not shitting you. If you’ve never seen a car totally flip through the air, smash through two other cars, land right side up, and speed away honking in Ninja triumph, then you really need to watch this movie.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Wade Parent look like a possum's pecker.

Not only does The Car make with the Sho Kosugi stylings, but it also gets down and dirty like only a car from Hell possibly could….terrorizing women, children, and horses! I’m telling you, this car hates everything and everyone! Luckily for the small town of Santa Ynez, Brolin and his gang have a plan to destroy this devil machine…I won’t tell you what it is exactly, but I will say it involves a truckload of dynamite, 100 tons of rocks, one town drunk, a couple of Indians, and lots of guts!

It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas.

I have a feeling that THE CAR might come off as a bit boring and stupid to some viewers, but I had a blast watching it. Sure, the idea of a killer car is kind of stupid….but a killer, ninja, car from Hell is about as “High Concept” as we can get, people. I also liked the lack of explanation of why The Car hated this damn town so much…it really didn’t matter to me…sometimes bad shit just happens…and The Car is seriously some bad shit!

Watch this and see for yourself (yes, the ninja flip scene is in this clip…around the 6 minute mark):

Oh, fuck, did you guys know that The Car has it’s own MySpace page?! I can’t decide if that’s cool or not….

Oh, one last image!

This is so not from THE CAR...but it is a Deathmobile and I couldn't stop thinking about it during this movie.

Well, that’s what I thought about THE CAR, now let’s hop on over to Final Girl and see what everyone else has to say!